I like sushi...and smoothies.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I like sushi...a lot. My friend Lucy and I go for sushi and smoothies a lot and this is one of the things that always gets me down when I think about losing weight. How often will I be able to get my sushi fix? What can I actually eat and stay within my daily allowance? Then the delusion hits. "I know! I can just go for a run afterwards to work it off". That never happens. Whenever I'm about to embark on a weight loss journey (of which there have been many), I think about my last sushi.I think about what I'm going to have, when I'm going to go and despite the cost I will go and eat sushi until I can eat no more sushi. And the thing about sushi is I never feel guilty about it.

The reason I'm writing about sushi is because I got on the scale today as a beginning of my new start and the scale wouldn't register. That means that I currently weigh more than 23 and a half stone. I would love to say I was completely horrified but that'd be a lie and this is not the heaviest I've ever been. Back in 2008 I made the decision to start Weight Watchers (again) after I came back from a month long family visit to the USA. I remember standing in line, feeling good about myself and thinking "it can't be that bad. I can't be THAT much worse than I was last time I was here". I hadn't weighed myself for months because, much like today, the scale was no longer registering. I thought it was just broken. I never in a million years thought it was because I was too heavy. I met my new leader (Natasha), she handed me the pack of everything I needed and I got on the scale. 24 stone and 7lbs. I could not have been more horrified at the number before me. I was wearing size 32 clothes, usually just to hide my 'wobbly bits'. I committed to the plan and over the next 11 months I lost 75lbs. I think that I remember it being easier than it actually was and this past (very successful) attempt at weight loss has made me feel bad over the last 5 years as I've slowly put on everything I lost. 

So, this is the start. Today. I am not thinking about my 'last sushi' because I've realised that the attitude of saying "I can never again have that thing that I love so much" is exactly the thing that has held me (and countless others) back. My goal is not to go on some kind of amazing 'diet' that will get me to a size 12 in 4 months because they don't exist and never work. It's a huge cliché, and this is something that many people who have less to lose don't realise, but when you have more than half of your body weight to lose a 'diet' just won't cut it. You need to change your lifestyle entirely. That means exploring why an unhealthy relationship with food exists, and taking it slowly but surely so that (eventually) the tortoise will win the race.

I remember, back at that first Weight Watchers meeting in 2008, a charming woman telling me that I should do this now whilst I'm still "young and beautiful" because she was going to be attending these meetings for the rest of her life and she didn't see how she would get any great or lasting results. This is, I'm sure, the feeling that many overweight people have because it is an incredibly long and difficult slog. This attempt is as much for them as it is for myself. Because if I can show even one person that it IS possible that will be wonderful. And if I can change my lifestyle now, so that I do not have to feel the pain of believing that there is never any chance of losing weight, then I will be for the better for (hopefully) the rest of my life. At 22, I can't imagine the idea of being in my 50s and thinking that there's no way out. 

I will still be having my sushi...just maybe not the hairy prawns.

**Edit 28/04/2013: Having started the program I can firmly say that hairy prawns are back on the menu. In fact, I've had experiences for the first time ever where three plates is sufficient for all I need and I can assure you I NEVER thought that'd happen.**