Early days

I decided that I need to explain a little about myself and talk about why my weight has been a struggle for such a considerable period of time.

As you all know, my name is Florence. I am studying archaeology at Bristol University and I have wonderful friends and a family who love me. I have an 18 year old cat who is like my child. I have been privileged enough to have a good education, a nice roof over my head and doting parents who have always given me everything I need, and most of what I've wanted. In general I've been very lucky.

I wasn't always a chubby child. I remember looking back at photos of my infancy a few years back and feeling incredibly resentful that 'my life' had been stolen from me as a result of my weight. I was a perfect little girl with bright golden hair that seemed to glow in the light. I was wearing a princess dress (complete with tiara) and was dancing with my grandfather with the biggest, toothiest grin I have ever seen. I saw this photo as a sign of the person I was meant to be and this got me down considerably.

When I was 2 years old my mother went back to work. This is a decision that I struggled with in my teenage years but one I have come to respect immeasurably as I've grown into adulthood. A nanny was required to look after me in the interim period of coming back from nursery and later school and the arrival home of my parents. Many were interviewed and one played with me when there was an accident and I accidentally put my tooth through my lip. My father (as a first time parent) went into protective bear mode and that nanny was gone. After that, came Nanny Linda.

My mother never trusted her and always thought she was slightly mad but as a new mother she was convinced that this was just guilt or depression of having to leave her child and the issue was brushed off. During the time that I was under the care of Linda I developed some very bad habits. She was convinced I was going to marry into Royalty and as such should not be permitted to wear 'boy clothes'. Instead I was dressed in hideous dresses that she bought for me and the play clothes that had been designated by my mother were disposed of. 'Treats' were an everyday thing as opposed to a 'treat'. She wrapped me in cotton wool so that I could never hurt myself and she continued to push me in a stroller far past the point of necessity. My mother protested repeatedly but to no avail, Linda would continue on her chosen path.

I started gaining weight and had a genuine hatred of exercise and as a result of her desire not to see me hurt, I never learnt to ride a bike. The concern my mother had that this woman may not be 'quite right' struck again when she allowed me to cut her hair. After this my parents started looking elsewhere and there was a week when Linda was on holiday and a temporary nanny was looking after me. Linda was found wandering the streets of Brighton late at night because she was convinced that my parents intended to replace her. When my parents did replace her, she was found months later having killed herself on my birthday. I didn't seem all that upset about her lack of presence in my life.

For years I had a great deal of resentment towards her as the catalyst of my weight gain. Had she instilled in me the need to exercise and have fun with it, I believe I would have continued to enjoy it until the present day. I also resented my dad a great deal for not believing my mum when she voiced her concerns. I have learnt to move past this all, but I often think of what my life would have been like had circumstances been different.

This is why that photo of me dancing with my grandad was so important to me. It was that photo that made me realise that perhaps my life wouldn't have been so much better had I not gained weight during my childhood. Perhaps, had I been the 'perfect' skinny child I would never have developed my love of acting or performing music. Perhaps my sense of humour would be lacking because I would never have needed that push to get to meet new people and most critically, perhaps I would have been one of those girls who needs to pick on the fat girls in school just to make herself feel better. In short, my weight (and the lessons I have learnt as a result), has made me who I am today and, whilst I wouldn't wish a chubby childhood on anyone, I respect the importance it had on me during my formative developing years.