And to your starting lines...

Last night I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting since October. This heralds the beginning of my fourth attempt at Weight Watchers in the last 10 years. I filled in the forms, took off all superfluous clothing and stepped on the scales. I looked away from the scale, not out of any form of shame but because my head movement seemed to be making the scales take too long to settle. Suddenly the beep, announcing that the scales had finished assessing your weight, rang out. I looked down and saw 23.11. There was the information I needed. The scale at home was not broken and as such it wasn't all that much a surprise. 23 stone 11 lbs. "Well" I said "I've seen worse". 

I should say now that I've had success with Weight Watchers. The fact that this is my fourth membership has more to do with the difficulty of maintenance and the fear of the 'plateau' that most people experience during their weight loss, than problems with the program. Indeed, I've often said 'I'm good at losing weight', it's staying there or continuing when things don't go to plan that cause the problems. That being said, I have never been as successful as in 2008. 

I joined on the first Thursday of September and I was so very ready. I followed the plan to the letter and lost 5lbs in my first week. By the second week of October I had lost the first of 5 stone and 5lbs. I had all the support I needed and my best friend Sarah was my rock. I started going to the gym and working with a trainer, Ann, who was the most vivacious afro touting woman I've ever met. She made me feel beautiful and every time we'd work together she'd comment on how well I was looking. I started ballet classes and fell in love with dance. It got easier and easier and I got stronger as the weight melted away. I got to 50lbs and got my oh so exciting Weight Watchers certificate. I made the decision to get rid of all the clothing that was now too big for me. I weighed it as I went and 7 bags later I had thrown away as much as I'd lost. I picked it up and struggled. It amazed me that 7 months earlier I'd been carrying that weight on me. My leader's 8 year old daughter weighed as much as I'd lost. The next 25 lbs were an absolute nightmare. It took another 6 months and I'd have weeks where I'd lose 2 lbs only to gain 1 back the next week. At this point I started cheating. I'd think each Thursday was my 'treat day'. I'd binge on Rice krispy treats from the Sainsbury's that was next to the meeting centre. I'd say to myself 'well, it all starts tomorrow' and would then be surprised when the weight wasn't coming off. I met my ex boyfriend and the weight loss came to a screeching halt.

After that, every weight loss program I undertook would be held to that standard. I'm an entirely different person 5 years later and yet I will always think back to that stretch of time and compare my current progress to that of the past. This has held me back continuously as it gets me down when I get on the scale and see a 2 as the first number. I try to squeeze myself into the clothing I wore in June 2009 when I was 60 lbs lighter and wearing size 18 shirts. 

Whilst I can't stop myself from thinking about that past experience, I need to try not to hold myself to the same standards my 18 year old self achieved. That experience taught me plainly that I CAN achieve these results and I will. My 18 stone self just needs to stop making me feel bad about myself so that I can get further this time and learn finally how to keep it off.

So, on my first day of this (hopefully) final attempt, I know that I can do this. It will be difficult and there will be times when I will sob my eyes out with frustration and wish that things had been different. I need to remember that this is all a learning process to make the end result happen when it's meant to. Instead of waiting for my life to happen, I need to make it happen. This is my starting line.