Run Fatgirl, Run.

Today, was the first day that I honestly- truly- felt like shit. I had been out exercising and at one point simply came over with an overwhelming feeling of being a loser. I wasn't as fast as I could be, I wasn't as strong as I could be. I was sore and tired and bruised and just wanted to curl up and do nothing at all. There came a point when I felt so panicky that my limbs shook violently and I thought I was going to pass out. This is a stark contrast to the woman I was yesterday. Strong, happy and ready to take on anything. I just couldn't understand what happened in that 12 hour period.

There came a point in the afternoon where I started thinking about ALL of the things that I've given up on in my life. I gave up on ballet, horse riding, playing the flute, french, learning to ride a bike, losing weight battles 1-12. What today made me feel was a complete and utter failure. Whilst I know that this is all in the past there will always be that 0.1% in the back of my head saying 'and you'll give this up too, just like all of those other things'. There are things there that I loved. Ballet nourished my body and my soul and I gave up twice. Once as a child and again a few years back when my teacher moved back to Serbia. She was my everything and not having her teach me meant that I slowly but surely disappeared from that part of my life. Horses have always been one of my favourite animals. I had an immediate and natural affinity with them that meant horse riding was easy for me to pick up. When I fell off the first time, despite landing badly on my head I was back on Joey within minutes because I loved him and would do anything to feel in tune with these magnificent creatures. I didn't 'give up' so to speak but I was phased out because of my weight. My issue was that I never once stopped to say 'but I LOVE this, I need to be doing this'. I just let my life happen to me.

Some things I've taken up again and others are on my list but this reflective moment made me feel nothing like the strong, empowered woman I have been in the past 15 weeks and every bit the weak, powerless little girl who (to my negative state of mind) had nothing but a load of bruises to show for her pains. And this  really worried me. The urge was there, as always when I'm feeling down, to eat. EAT ALL THE THINGS! But I didn't. I had a cheese string, a bowl of blueberries with some yogurt and honey and a berocca (you...but on a really good day) to try to calm myself down and regain my equilibrium. I hid in my bedroom for hours watching 'Get Smart' and cried. I cried so much I fell asleep and I woke up 3 hours later feeling so much better. It's likely I was simply over tired but it does show just how easy (and unexplainable) it can be for something to throw a serious spanner in the works. This is what the Oatmeal refers to as 'the blerch' a little chubby critter chasing you around just trying to get you to go back to the lifestyle you had before. And yet, I can say that I do NOT have the lifestyle I had before. If I did I would have gone to my fridge, pulled out all of the cheese, all of the mini peperamis (1 proPoint per sausage- yeah boi) and then devoured all of my pre portioned snacks in one go. I would NOT have reached for a yogurty fruity treat...

But this doesn't change the fact that my track record indicates that I give up. Often. And I simply cannot afford to do that now. So, I'm watching Run Fatboy, Run ( for the fifth time this month) and thinking about what I need to achieve. This film is a metaphor for me in so many ways, and today- feeling as I do, that I'm not a finisher- this is exactly what I needed. It shows to me, that if you believe in something enough (and have a chubby Indian man wielding a spatula at you) you can do anything. And so I will. No longer will I let my life happen to me. It's time to go out and find it.