'In Search of Self'

When I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression. I started seeing my therapist, Christine, and over the next year and a half of my life my weekly sessions with her would see me talking through everything.  Mean girls at schools, boys, my weight, boys, my family life, boys. Together, I got my life back together and was (generally) happy. I've revisited her a number of times as I grew from a teenager to a woman and needed a little guidance and a push in the right direction. The reason I'm thinking about Christine is that she gave me a book when I finished working with her in my teen years. The book was called 'Dibs in Search of Self' by Virginia Axline. To my discredit, I never read it. Today, I found the book whilst I was sorting through some old things. With a deep sigh I thought 'I have lost myself recently'.



The reasons for this unfortunate statement are numerous and there is no one thing that can explain it. In terms of weight loss, which is the primary reason this blog exists, I have completely lost my way. I say that with some shame, with a good deal of pain and with a very 'anonymous' attitude that the only way this can change is for me to accept that, acknowledge it and (critically) move forward. Coming back to my blog is a way for searching for the self that I have misplaced- temporarily. The way is not shut (sorry, Lord of the Rings reference that had to happen- my fingers just typed it, honest) there is ALWAYS a way back to yourself and there will never be a reason for me to give up on who I am and, importantly, who I want to be.

So, who do I want to be? What do I want to be?

I want to be:
Happy
Healthy
Secure in myself and my abilities
Resilient
Progressive (I never want to stay stuck again)

I have spent many months, too many to count or to even be sure where my loss of self started, thinking 'you've done so well, it doesn't matter that you're just staying where you are'. That attitude turned into a 'you've done so well, what does putting on a couple of pounds mean in the grand scheme of things?' Neither of these statements are a bad thing, far from it. I'm thrilled that even though I've been up and down and up and down since...October?..I have not gone so far off the rails that I do not feel capable of pulling myself back. But, what neither of these statements focus on is the importance of moving forward. This is not just about my weight loss. Staying static for a time is not bad, but allowing that status quo to continue for too long is unacceptable. I had become uninterested in progress at my running, in the gym, on the scales, hell my love life if we must. With that status quo I have become more and more lazy and lost more and more of my get up and go attitude, my tenacity and my determination. I knew that things had gotten bleak today when I walked out of Hotel Chocolat with an Easter egg that I intended on eating...two weeks before Easter.

So, moving forward I need to make a few declarations of my self to find my way back to the road I was carving out for myself.
Steps:
I go back to my first Weight Watchers meeting since October (I cannot believe it's been so long) on Wednesday. I need to go and air my grievances and recommit to myself and my group.
I recommit to Heather (if she's talking to me). That hasn't been too long (two weeks I think...maybe three) but I'd stopped going to the gym between sessions and as such, little progress has been made.
I recommit to making my fitness about my happiness. The weather is finally changing and I can go run (jog probably...run, fatgirl, run) outside just for the enjoyment of using my damn legs and breathing in the fresh air.
I recommit to tracking. EVERYTHING.
I recommit to my jars. I have been so remiss on my jars, I was 22 pebbles out of date...
I recommit to myself. Full stop. End of sentence. That is all there is to it.



And I read that book.