Shoulda put a ring on it?

First, let me start this blog post by saying a few things. First, the end of these two insanely busy weeks are coming to an end. Yay. Secondly, I LOST FIVE POUNDS THIS WEEK. This means I've now lost a stone in total. I thought I'd gained, I was certain of it. So you could say I'm a little bit happy right now.

So, let me now get onto the crux of the matter that I wish to discuss today. Weight loss surgery. Now, I don't claim to be an expert on weight loss surgery but I can say with absolute clarity that it has never been a consideration of mine. This is the spiel that I have managed to gather from the NHS website about bariatric surgery:

The gastric band (the ring in this post's title): a band is used to reduce the size of the stomach so that less food is required to feel full. This is reversible and also adjustable. A medical practitioner can increase levels of saline solution to tighten a band if necessary.

Gastric Bypass: The entire digestive system is re-routed so a pouch is created in the top half of the stomach and attached to the small intestine. You need less food to feel full and absorb fewer calories.

The reason that I want to talk about this here came from my friend Piers sending me an article about a man who had lost 22 stone through gastric bypass surgery. I thought, for one horrified moment, that he was encouraging me to have weight loss surgery. Over dinner he asked if I'd seen the article. When I said yes he immediately said 'don't you think that's cheating?!' Panic of him pushing for weight loss surgery over, we entered into a dialogue about the pros and cons of weight loss surgery.

I have (in the past) put a significant amount of thought into the benefits of weight loss surgery. Let us all now flash back to when I was 17. A very good friend of mine was suffering severely from Anorexia Nervosa. He was skeletal to the point of feeling faint all the time, headaches, etc. As context I should add that there was a period of time when he was eating so little that I decided to match him for a week. I'd eat as little as he ate and, if it really came to it, I'd purge at the same times he did. The concept of me putting myself at risk like that absolutely mortified him. He told me I'd die or become incredibly ill. Of course it was difficult for him to see that this was how worried we all were of him, and he didn't have a good few stone that he could lose. So, with that information, perhaps you can imagine my surprise when one night he called my house and, as coolly as he'd ask what I thought of the newest episode of 'The OC', asked if I'd ever considered a gastric band.

I was shocked, and what's more I didn't know how to respond. Well, no. I'd never thought about it. To be honest at that stage in my life I entirely didn't know how it worked or anything like that. I felt like I was on the losing side because I had no information behind me. All I could keep saying was that, for me, I would rather shed the weight myself slowly, with healthy eating, monitoring of caloric intake and increase in exercise because I wanted to be (and here's a line you've heard before) a 'normal' person. Normal people don't have bands cutting their stomach in two.

I told him that whilst I would never begrudge someone's wish to have bariatric surgery, it just wasn't for me. It is, in my opinion, an absolute last ditch effort. And I know full well that I am nowhere near that stage. I can still walk, my blood pressure and blood sugars are perfect. The likelihood of me dropping dead tomorrow from weight related issues is minute. I am also acutely aware of the countless cases of weight loss surgery where the weight comes back on because it has not been a long term continued process where new habits become maintained habits and anything without this learning process where you change your habits, opinions, likes etc. makes me incredibly nervous.

I appreciate the usefulness of this surgery being available to those who need it but I feel confident that the only thing that would cause me to fall back enough to require these drastic options is my giving up, and that simply is not an option.

My weight loss jars. A very visual reminder to keep going.

An update and a new feature.

To all of you on the interwebs who have taken to reading this blog. Thank you, so very much, for your continued support. I haven't written in over a week because this has been the busiest week of my life. I've had assignments due, week one of archaeological excavation and a run of 'Little Shop of Horrors' to contend with. As such, an update. To those of you who have been watching the lilyslim ticker on this blog you may have noticed I've lost another pound. I've had moments this week where, because of time constraints and stress, I've felt like my world was falling to pieces. Now that this busy, hellish week is over I know that I was being far too negative. Losing that pound, making sure I went to the meeting on Thursday (covered in mud and soaked through from digging all day, I should add) was my way of maintaining some control.

A few more stats:
Since starting this weight loss programme I have-
Lost 9 pounds
Lost an average of 4cm on my waist, bust, thighs, arms and hips
Have purchased a dress in New Look (albeit, in their plus sized section. I'd never even bothered before as I felt so very out of place)
Walked an average of Nine Thousand steps per day
Had comments (either in person or online) from 12 different people about how 'inspirational' or 'motivational' this blog has been
Had comments from 5 people about how much trimmer I am looking.
Had one negative comment from someone trying to be supportive (I think we covered that well enough in the last post)

It's more than a little bit amazing. My friend Piers has shared my blog with his friends and he comes to dinner and tells me that they're all talking about it. People I've never met/ am only acquainted with send me emails saying that I've somehow given them the push to lose weight or simply do something for themselves. Something that makes them happy and more fulfilled. And I have to say, I couldn't be more thrilled. This was, ultimately, the entire purpose for this blog. To inspire one person. To let people know that they are certainly not alone in their feelings or worries.

As such, as a way of rationalising all of the support and positive energy, as well as the misplaced negative energies which will happen (thus is life, there will always be people who get their jollies from getting others down) I have been inspired to start a new feature. I was talking with my friend Maddy and she said that simply reading this blog over the last few weeks has opened her eyes to a variety of different issues that come upon people losing weight. Now, Maddy is an intuitive, intelligent young woman and if these are the kinds of things that would simply have passed her by, it stands to reason that it will have done the same to others. Together she and I came up with the idea of my writing different 'myth busters' over the coming weeks. Most of these will be formed from personal experience but many (where the science-y bit is involved) will require a bit more research so I do hope that you will bare with me as they take form.

The topics I have for discussion so far are:

1. Changing your diet (as opposed to going on a 'Diet') means you can't have certain foods. A.K.A 'WHERE IS ALL THE CHEESE?!'
2. Changing your diet means you've got to 'cut your calories in half'
3. The difference between a 'Diet' -six weeks till your sister's wedding and changing your diet
4. The concept of maintenance OR 'Coping at war. Have your exist strategy at hand before you go in'
5. What it actually means to eat 'Healthily'
6. Coping with outside forces OR 'The dinner party means my 'Diet' is over' scenario
7. Unsupportive support.

I hope that you will find these myth busting episodes interesting and, where possible, I'm more than happy to take requests. If it is within my power to answer, I will certainly do so.

Until then.

A word about discouragement.

I start this post having reached my first goal. I lost two pounds this week and as such have lost my first half a stone (or 8lbs if we're being really specific). This was the information I needed to hear to tell me that my work at losing weight back at university has been going well and that I can continue to lose weight and have fun with my friends. Next goal, is to have lost my first stone. We'll get there.

This is not why I have felt discouraged. I have the most amazing friends, and in general they have been so incredibly supportive. Have there been a few funny looks with Lucy and I whack out the scales at meal times? Yes. Have there been moments when people have not known how to support my efforts? Yes. That being said, at no point has anyone made me feel like what I'm doing is a waste of time. Until today.

As with many incidents at university this issue emerged with a conversation about alcohol. I am not a massive drinker. I have had my moments of excess but as a rule I don't have a need to drink on all that frequent a basis. I think that's because my parents raised me in a very Mediterranean fashion and as such alcohol has never seemed that exciting, it was simply always present. As such, in general I am not drinking because I don't want or need to use my points on alcohol when it could be used on something that I actually genuinely do want. Most people understand this explanation and just drop it. Today, however, a friend of mine decided to inform me that being "on a diet" doesn't work. This is great, when you're trying to change your lifestyle and at times feeling discouraged on your own. I don't necessarily like people telling me to my face that I am doing such a good job, but certainly the last thing I want is mot be told that it's a waste of time.

Fortunately, after I tore this person a text based new one, I could easily brush myself off and not let it affect me. I know that he meant no harm and this probably comes from him never having experienced a weight problem. Ultimately this post is not about him. This about all of the times that people get discouraged. Specifically, all of the times that people will tell you that they love you 'just the way you are'. Whilst that's amazing, and ultimately all that anyone really wants - acceptance- when you have actually committed yourself to improving yourself, for yourself and no one else, you just need to have someone say 'I will support you, whatever way that may be'.

To anyone trying to change their lifestyle, don't let anyone else get you down and to the people who think that they're only helping, remember that your helpfulness is directly proportional to the goal the person is trying to achieve and by all means, love us for who we are, whether we're changing things or not.

Plus-sized fitness

Today, I decided that I am going to run the marathon. Not in 2014 but in 2015...I think that's enough time. As fitness plays such an important part in overall fitness it seems only natural that I write about this here. As an overweight woman I have always struggled with the concept of exercise.

As a child I never developed a liking of exercise and always thought that I was the butt of all jokes and ridicule because my lack of proficiency. It was only when I was 18, and came back to ballet classes, that I developed any real love of a fitness activity. Six months in and my fitness was amazing and whilst I was still only losing 1 or 2 lbs a week my body was strong and had definition and my general level of fitness was a million times better than before. As with many things, life got in the way. I had a new boyfriend, a new job and less free time to spare on my favourite activity. When I eventually went back months later my fitness had deteriorated so much that I didn't go back again because I was so upset that I'd allowed myself to fall so far backwards. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Going to a gym is a complete nightmare. I always feel that I'm being judged by the fitter individuals whose bodies are more capable than mine. Finding fitness clothing or accessories (such as arm bands) is problematic to say the least. Fitness clothing is made for 'normal' people and the plus sized stuff is anything but attractive. Even finding comfortable footwear is a problem when you have wider feet than the standard foot. Tonight my friend Piers asked me about what I do for swimwear. Enter a long winded discussion of why I detest going swimming because I'm on show more than any other activity. I love swimming but hate being the odd one out in the group which is a shame because it's so good for you, especially when you need to preserve your joints.

There are activities which I simply feel I am too heavy to do, such as military fitness groups or martial arts where I feel like I could injure someone else. I've been told repeatedly that many of these worries are unfounded but it's still a thought at the back of your head when you take up activities. I even held off starting ballet until I'd lost a fair amount of weight because I thought I'd be so completely out of place. What's more annoying is the activities which I actually AM too heavy to engage in. I was an avid horse rider from the age of 5-13 but slowly got weaned off because I was growing too heavy for the horses. I love animals and any activity which can involve them is wonderful for me. However, as it stands I need to get down to about 15 stone in order to safely ride a horse again. When that point comes there will be no stopping me. Further to this, certain rock climbing and diving courses won't enrol an overweight person. Rock climbing is something I've always been terrible at but wish I could at least get to the point where I can comfortably climb as an activity and diving is something that has always intrigued me. The fact that my weight is holding me back drives me absolutely insane.

As a result of all of these things, my current level of fitness is not that great. My house-mate Andy has been brought in as personal trainer and I feel things coming on slowly. Today Piers, Lucy, Maddy and I all took turns working on assisted pull ups on the machine near our halls. We've been doing this for just under a week and today I just about managed to do an (unassisted) assisted pull up. This is a huge achievement for me as even a week ago I couldn't imagine pulling up my own body weight. The target is simply to get better over time. I want simply to be at the point where I can run without worrying constantly about injury. Last week I bought the shoes and finally, since the weather's been so nice, today I stopped putting it off and went for a walk/jog/run thing. As a person who lives in fear of things getting too difficult when it once was far easier, the only solution is to start something and not stop doing it. This is the line I drew in the sand today. Today I make the promise to myself that I will never again have to think 'I can't believe my fitness has gotten so bad in X weeks/months' because I simply can no longer allow myself to stop doing it. The hope being that if I get to the point of actually enjoying these activities, these will be the things that keep me going when I'm having a hard week and will ultimately make the greatest impact to my appearance.

And so, I am going to go and watch "Run, Fatboy. Run" and plan my programme to future marathon runner/ 'tough guy' attempter and think of all of the wonderful things that I'll be able to do further down the line.

A most overwhelming response

Last night I made the decision to share this blog with 'the world'. That means that instead of simply informing a few close friends and family members, I posted a Facebook status with my blog link for everybody I'm linked with to see. This decision was made purely because I felt that enough time had passed since this program began and that there were enough people who were aware of my changing lifestyle that it made sense to let anybody who wanted to know, see what this weight loss is like first hand.

I have to say that the response I received was completely overwhelming. My readership went up over 800% in a matter of minutes and there are people reading from as far afield as Russia and Canada, The Netherlands and South Africa. This was most unexpected. Within 20 minutes I was receiving emails and text messages saying that my honesty and openness when discussing very personal details was an inspiration and absolutely fascinating to those who had never really put too much thought in to it.

The reason I had held off from releasing this information to all of my acquaintances is because I was worried of the response I'd receive. To some extent this worry was founded when a friend was fraped with a less than favourable comment on my Facebook status. I won't lie, I sat in my room staring at the computer screen wishing for the world to swallow me up and thinking "is this what it will always be like? Even if I lose weight will I ALWAYS be seen as the fat one?" After persuading myself that I had more dignity than to cry and more will power than to munch all of the chocolate and cheese I could lay my hands on, I realised it was not worth it. At dinner this evening this was all pushed home by my friend Piers who was terribly intrigued by the fact I'd written a blog and was 'fascinated' by the content. He was perhaps the last person I'd imagine calling this blog 'inspirational' and yet he did. Simply being told that someone thinks you make a difference is all the motivation you could need when thoughts get dark.

I started this blog because I wanted to inspire people, I wanted to be honest about what it's like and I wanted others in the same situation to know that they are not alone in their feelings. After the response that I got last night the last thing I want to do is give up or allow myself to feel like a loser when so many people have been so encouraging and so encouraged. Ultimately it comes down to remembering that this journey is for me and that anyone who takes an issue, whether real or imagined, is not the definition of who I am.

As Eleanor Roosevelt said:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

And finally, to the person who made the inappropriate comment in the first place. I forgive you. But next time I will go Jackie Chan on your ass.

More about the 'overloaded food environment'

Tonight my friend Maddy and I ordered an Indian take-away. As I've mentioned before, this involved low choice options and I felt far batter about my portion of food than the first time I ordered a take-away on the plan. However, this instance raised an additional issue that I feel needs discussing.

With our food, despite the fact that we both ordered a side dish of rice or similar, they sent us a portion of Bombay potatoes. Now, I don't actually know what Bombay potatoes work out to on the ProPoints plan but I can't imagine it's all that low. The reason I'm banging on about this though is that we practically live in a world where companies are throwing food at you all the time. As a student, you can get some pretty amazing deals. McDonalds will give you free French fries or even a cheeseburger on production of a particular card, companies shell out loyalty cards that offer the holder a free item after X purchases and there are more buy one get one free deals than is possible to count. Is it any wonder then, that people are overweight.

Exhibit A: The Bombay Potato...what even are Bombay potatoes?!

Even going to the supermarket is a minefield out there for someone trying to lose weight. The aisles which we actually should use, the fresh food stuff on the outside edges of the supermarket ,are so spread out with rows and rows of ready meals and snacks that are provided purely to get people to spend more money. People talk about will power and yet companies are playing on people's desire for the fatty, sugary foods that our ancestors needed on a daily basis purely to survive. Taste testers exist to produce foods that are as addictive as humanly possible. I can't help but thinking as an overweight person, what would these companies do if we 'overeaters' weren't here to buy up their food?

On Friday, we had a formal dinner and I was very careful about what I did and did not eat, even going to the lengths of salting and peppering my dessert so that I wouldn't eat any more. Great idea, right? If that's what I need to do currently to exist in this world of instant gratification, then I'm going to do it. That doesn't mean that people around the table won't look at you as if you've just slapped the Pope. We exist in a world that at once likes to push people down for being too big/too small and yet when someone tries to do something about it everyone has an opinion and you can guarantee you're going to hear it when they feel that their idea is better than yours.

Food is entirely unavoidable and businesses know that. Managing to take control of this overloaded food environment is a whole other kettle of fish. It's not to any businesses benefit to get people to eat less of their product and they will continue to advertise and tweak recipes to get a maintained following. The best thing that you and I can do, is remain aware that this happens and is no coincidence. Oh, and to offer your free Bombay potatoes to a hungry friend so that the temptation no longer exists.

The end to a difficult week.

This week I have had my struggles with the plan. As I've written previously. I've tried to be bang on as much as humanly possible but that sometimes will simply not work. As such, I stayed the same this week. No gain, no loss. Now. I'm not going to bang on about staying the same all that much. As I stood with my new leader after the meeting this evening and moaned about not losing she reminded me that, unfortunately, our bodies do not work like well programmed machines. Hormonal fluctuations, not going to the bathroom before weighing in or simply wearing different clothing can all play a part.

Further to this, sometimes you will see little on the scales but will simply 'feel' different. I took my measurements today and overall I've lost just about an inch on my waist, bust and hips. That is not an achievement to poo poo. That doesn't mean that any of that makes you feel that much better. The temptation is to take the new (weight watchers) biscuits I purchased yesterday and eat them to make me feel better. Short term, great but that's going to do nothing for me next week when I find that it still hasn't changed; or worse, I gain. I need to accept that, occasionally, shit just happens for no reason. It could be a reason that will become blindingly obvious over the next few days but I have to continue on my proscribed course and wait and see.

As I HAVE behaved so well this week, I don't believe that this is as a result of my having done something wrong and as such I'm not going to be making any drastic changes. I've been increasing my activity (I walked  12,345 steps today and did a 50 minute yoga class-my arse is now unhappy as a result), eating a good amount of fruit and vegetables, limiting treats and making sensible decisions with my food. As such, I feel (and my leader agreed) that the best course of action is simply to wait and see. If next week I still haven't moved I will start making changes to diet and/or activity. Until then, it could just be one of those unfortunate blips that occur in the life of a living, breathing creature. So yes, I'm going to have a biscuit (I have 8 points left for the day) but I'm going to leave it at that, get a good night's sleep and start fresh in the morning and look forward to pushing forward next week.